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Methodical Life, Methodical Rants

What About Your (Single) Friends…Well, what about ‘em?

Photo credit: Jon Wason (on Flickr)

While watching VH-1 this past Sunday, I saw something interesting. On La La’s Full Court Wedding, Alani (aka La La) met with Tyrese Gibson (eye roll) for lunch. Apparently he is her good friend. Anyway, they sat and discussed the upcoming wedding and Tyrese thought this was the time to approach La La about her lack of married female friends. According to “Black-Ty”, Alani needs friends who are wives and less single friends. This wasn’t the first time I hear the sentiment that married women can no longer, or should no longer, have single friends. When I was younger, I thought that idea was odd, but my consideration went no further than that. However, I now have friends who are married, soon to be married, or discussing marriage with their significant others. So this kind of hit close to home now. What’s the problem with being friends with single women, if you’re a married woman? Actually, I this question of everyone: what’s wrong with married people being friends with single people?

Now, I can’t speak for the fellas, but I think that when we women have true friendships among ourselves (I’m talking about a real sisterhood) it would be extremely difficult to sever ties. Maybe I’m personalizing this too much, but the idea of no longer being friends with the single friends in my inner circle seems impossible. I think that I would end up resenting my husband *shrug* and I would expect some resentment from him if he were asked to leave his single friends behind.

I’ve seen comments about why a married woman would have to disassociate from her single friends. Some say that married people and single people can no longer relate to each other; in a way, I can agree with that. I imagine that there will be things that occur within marriage that I may not be able to understand, or relate to, so there will be a shift within friendships. But so what? Friends don’t discuss everything among themselves; I suspect that some go to the grave carrying some bit of information that never saw the light of day. Maybe married people and single people, who are friends, won’t be able to discuss everything; that is no reason to write off a friendship.

Photo credit: Hon Au (on Flickr)

Another more likely reason married women are told that hanging with single women is a no-go has to deal with trust. I saw a comment that basically said married women should not associate with single women, especially if those single women are “whorish”. Hmmm…something about this rubs me in an unpleasant way. A married woman shouldn’t stay friends with a woman who has sex with whoever she wants, when she wants? Why? Because this behavior is contagious? *eye roll*

Marriage is a huge stage in life. I would think that having your friends around, giving their love and support, is a major necessity (and that’s for life, in general). Assuming your friends have been there with you, for you, throughout the good times and bad, how much of a douche can a guy be to tell you that you have to separate yourself from your friends because their relationship status on Facebook is “single”? How much of a doormat can you be to agree to tossing aside friends who, no matter their promiscuous activities, have been there from the beginning? Can someone explain this to me…like I’m a five-year old?

Photo credit: Dereck Higgins (on Flickr)

Discussion

5 thoughts on “What About Your (Single) Friends…Well, what about ‘em?

  1. I’ve noticed that the same friends that disappeared from friendships as soon as they were in a hint of a relationship did the same disappearing act when they got married. I don’t think it’s a universal women thing, I think some women use friends as a placeholder until Mr. Right comes along.

    I also have friends that I’ve met after they were married. They’re not the “go to the club” kinds of friend, but more of a “let’s meet for lunch during the work week” friends. They’re busy living their married life on the weekends and that’s fine. But I have vacationed with them without their spouses too. I think being a secure, mature adult is a big part of being able to balance friends and married life.

    Now where I do see a divide is between friends that have kids and don’t have kids OR friends with kids at different stages. The friends that I talk to the most tend to have kids around the same age as my kid. Mine is on the way out of the house. I don’t necessarily want to hang with someone that’s going through potty training. We just don’t have much in common.

    Posted by Reads4Pleasure | September 22, 2010, 12:22 PM
    • Hi Reads4Pleasure!

      First, thanks for commenting! Now on to your comment; I question “friends” who disappear whenever a relationship develops. I understand that in the beginning of a relationship, you get caught up in the newness, but one shouldn’t cut ties with friends because what happens if the relationship ends? Who do you turn to, ya know. But I totally agree with you on that whole “placeholder” thing. And once marriage happens, things will change; like your example regarding the club scene. More than likely, hitting the club on the weekend won’t happen as much, if ever again. But, it can be transitioned into lunch meetups or dinner outings. The thing is, friendship can still exist after a friend jumps the broom. I also agree with you regarding kids changing friendships; when some friends have kids and some don’t, you may not hang out as often. For some, it may be difficult to relate to the experiences. Children definitely change things, lol…
      Again, thanks for commenting!

      -bc

      Posted by beautifulcurare | September 25, 2010, 7:59 PM
  2. I think it’s about reprioritization.

    A married woman tends to reorder who she gives her time to, obviously the husband and children before the friends.

    A single woman, may unwittingly be having a relationship that almost mimcs that of a romantic partnership with her friends, prioritizing them over other aspetts of her life.

    I’m not married. But I notice that my married friends are much more clear with their boundaries in friendships than my single friends. They will say I only have this amount time on this day of this month. To some of our mutual friends, that seems discouraging. But to me, it’s about prioritization.

    Posted by vizionheiry | September 24, 2010, 4:38 PM
    • Hey Vizion!

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I agree, it’s all about prioritizing; true friends will understand that hubby and children come first. My issue is with the idea that folks believe single and married women can’t be friends. It’s totally possible as long as the two understand priorities. Thanks again for commenting!

      -bc

      Posted by beautifulcurare | September 25, 2010, 10:06 PM
  3. Sadly…I got married and lost my best friend in the process. Not by my choice, mind you. But, because she just doesn’t really have the time for me anymore. It’s like all of a sudden, my phone calls don’t get returned and when they do she only asks how my husband is and how married life is. And every time I find myself trying to let her know that I’m still writing my books, still working on my goals and dreams. I got married, I did not die.
    It sucks being caste aside because I found the right guy. My man would love for our friendship to remain strong…I would love for our friendship to remain strong. But, it can’t be all me. Sadly, that’s how it feels at this point. Now, I just have to let her go and hope she makes her way back around when she’s ready to.

    Posted by Emily Francis | May 10, 2011, 9:51 AM

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